Stress is one of those “hot button” words that pops up regularly in daily discourse. How often have we heard the expression, “I’m stressed out”? Even some grade school kids have picked up the refrain. A swath of high school and college students pepper their dramatic conversations with the short form, “I’m stressed”.
The moral of the above story cautions us not to talk ourselves into the doledrums of stress. We often give way to our irrational tendencies of over generalizing and “catastrophizing” that distort our perceptions of reality. The outcome of not monitoring the script of our negative self-talk authored by our irrational thinking will be self-induced anxiety accompanied by unhealthy physiological reactions. Even when we accurately perceive the real pressures of life, we can compound the severity of the stress response by not paying attention to our thinking.
To respond prudently to the expected and unexpected distressful events in life we need to practice the habit of accurately observing ourselves and our world. The following quip of Mark Twain warns us to keep a short leach on our imagination in a time of crisis – “I’m an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
What is stress?
The term was coined by Hans Selye, a medical student at the University of Prague in 1926. He used the word, stress, to describe the wear and tear on the body correlated with a person’s emotional response to the strains of life. Because he used the analogy of the stress of metals in physics to talk about the body’s response to physical and psychological pressures, the meaning of the word, stress, became confusing.
Today we use the word, stress, as a noun and a verb. Some say, “I’m stressed out”. Others say, “I’m stressing”. Then, we have the use of the noun, “I’m weighed under by too much stress in my life”. We need to sort out the language so that we can clearly label what we are experiencing.
Let’s forget the word, stress, for a moment. Instead, we will simply describe a distressful event and our response to it. The other day I was on the check-out line at the deli. The fellow in front of me was a robust, middle aged man dressed in summer attire. The cashier cheerily said to him, “Good morning. How are you doing?”. He responded with a smile, “You really don’t want to know. It’s a long story.” I checked out fast since I had only one item. On my way out he held the door for me, and I said, “Thanks. Have a good day.” He shot back, “I’ve been trying to do that. Each day means a lot to me now. You know … my whole life change a few week ago when the doctor told me I had diabetes.”
From the outside looking in we see the objective, distressful event of someone finding out the diseased condition of his body. If we put ourselves in his shoes we can approach the subjective, emotional state that he must have been experiencing. The question that eventually and probably arose in his mind was, “How will I handle this?”. The answers to this question will vary according to the mental disposition of the person. We are all in the same boat when it comes to experiencing painful events and the attending upsetting emotions of anxiety, frustration, depression, and other debilitating feelings. But, we differ in the ways that we respond to these events and emotions.
When we use the word, stress, in this exercise, it will refer to our responses to a painful event and/or a demand placed on us such as, to complete a difficult task, to solve a seemingly unsolvable problem, or to manage a chronic medical condition. These events and demands test our mettle. How much pressure can our will of steel and titanium intellect bear? Unlike the fixed strength of metals in physics, that is, how much pressure they can bear before they crack, the strength of our emotional resiliency to psychological strain depends on how we assess distressful events and how we decide to respond to them. We can exercise only limited control over physical events and the behaviors of other people, but we have copious personal resources to meet life’s challenges wisely, prudently and effectively.
We are at a turning point at the moment we tell ourselves that we are experiencing stress. The stress, that is, the strain that we feel, could be good (what some authors call eu-stress) and could yield long term positive consequences, if we respond to it creatively. But, if we fail to use our mental resources to respond effectively to a distressful event, then we label the stress as bad, because the negative emotional and mental consequences that we are experiencing prevent us from functioning normally.
From a common sense philosophical point of view we know that we cannot engineer the world in front of us so that we skip effortlessly down the road of life. Common sense also tells us that we can change a seemingly devastating negative event into a life enhancing opportunity, just as the fellow with diabetes did.
Let’s put these ideas in serial form:
-
We are first aware of a painful event or of a challenging demand.
-
Then, we feel physiological and psychological reactions such as, shortness of breath, anxiety, fear, etc.
-
At this point we are talking to ourselves about the strain that we are experiencing. Now we have to pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves to ferret out our illogical and self-defeating statements.
-
The kind of resulting physiological and psychological consequences to the painful event depend on how we interpret the event and how we prudently, wisely and courageously respond to the event.
We have to make one more observation and that is about the word, stressor. It is used to label circumstances, occupations, diseases, and in general anything invading the equilibrium of our lives. For example, the occupations of fireman and policeman could be considered stressors. Or a severe illness can be regarded as a stressor. The trouble with the word, stressor, is that it gives the impression of an agent causing these negative emotions in us. So we end up saying things like, “This job (the stressor) stresses me out (the effect or the victim).” Well… if I believe that the job is the cause of my ‘stress’, then I need to get rid of the job to eliminate the stress.
In the case of a disease I definitely want to get rid it. Even when it makes sense to eliminate the stressor, I can prolong the disease, if I do not reduce the accompanying negative emotions. Instead of stressor, then, I will use the following words: the challenges, demands and pressures of life. We will always experience some measure of strain in the sense of pushing ourselves to overcome the obstacles in the way of achieving our ideals, but if we are not thinking clearly we will interpret all the demands of life as making us powerless victims doomed to the dungeons of distress.
To illustrate how to use Vision Circles to reduce stress we will address the issue of someone who complains, “I’m under a great deal of stress at work”.
In this step we will use techniques that will help us label our emotions, behaviors, thinking, ideals, and tendencies.
Circle One: What am I saying to myself about my job? Techniques: I will write out my self-talk or record it so that I will be able to label my emotions, thoughts and behaviors in Circle Two and analyze them in the next step of Sorting Out.
“There’s no let up. I’m pressured by the time limits on all these projects that I have to do. I have to make sure that there’re perfect. My promotion is riding on my achievements. But what really stresses me out are the people. My boss is always uptight. And the people in the office are so wound up I have to be careful not to say the wrong thing. It’s just a lousy atmosphere. I don’t look forward to coming in. I think the whole tone of the place is set by the boss who seems to be in over his head. Every night I have to take a drink to unwind, and then I complain to my wife. God! I’m becoming sour and impatient … I’m so stressed out.”
Circle Two: What am I thinking, feeling and doing that are related to my stress response? I will use the technique of labeling my behaviors, emotions and thinking.
My behaviors: I’m withdrawing at work (closing my door, avoiding colleagues). I’m guarded in my conversations and at meetings. I try to avoid my boss. At home I’m complaining about everything.
My emotions: I’m frustrated, I’m anxious. Sometimes I’m angry. I’m stressed out.
Thinking: I’m over generalizing when I say that my boss is “always” uptight. I’m scheming about how I can escape this situation. I’m expecting my boss and co-workers to change their attitudes and behaviors. I believe that the situation that I’m in is causing all this stress.
Circle Three: What ideals are important to me at work? Technique: I will use my imagination to picture myself enjoying work.
When I visualize myself in the ideal work situation, I see myself behaving cooperatively, independently and respectfully. I see myself as an adult working with adults.
Circle Four: What are the dominant tendencies that I am experiencing at work? Technique: I will translate the Human Tendencies Profile to my situation at work.
I will check off the tendencies that I’m experiencing most often and intensely.
Irrational
_____I feel confused about how to respond to my boss and co-workers.
_____I feel that my mood at work depends on the behaviors of other people.
_____I feel that I am sitting on a lot of anger.
_____I feel that I can’t trust anyone.
Rational
_____I feel that I’m thinking logically and clearly about this situation.
_____I feel that I have this situation and myself under control.
_____I feel that the work situation is not negatively affecting the other areas of my life.
_____I feel certain and confident about my behaviors at work.
Supra-rational
_____I feel that I am regularly in touch with my work ideals of cooperation, independence and trust.
_____I feel free to be myself at work
_____I feel confident to make changes in my thinking and behaviors to realize my ideals.
_____I feel enthusiastic about experimenting to come up with new and practical ideas to improve my work situation.
In this step we will review what we have observed in Step One in order to identify our negative and positive thoughts, emotions and behaviors and to determine what changes we need to make.
Circle One: What is the tone of my self-talk?
My self-talk is focused on the deficient behaviors of my boss and co-workers and on my own negative emotions and behaviors. My self-talk is pessimistic and one-sided.
I need to change my self-talk from just a description of ’what-is’ to hopeful statements about ‘what-could-be‘. I need to talk to myself about my positive attributes and the positive characteristics of my co-workers.
Circle Two: What behaviors, emotions and thinking do I need to change?
Technique: Pairing off positive behaviors, emotions and thinking against negative ones.
Circle Three: What are my career ideals? Do I need to add to this list?
My career ideals of cooperation, independence and respect tell me what could-be.
I believe that I need to add the ideals of creativity, courage and prudence to make the above changes.
Circle Four: What are my dominant tendencies in this situation? Which ones do I need to maximize and which ones do I need to minimize?
The strong irrational tendencies that I need to eliminate are: confusion about what to do; depending on others to change first; and rebelling passive-aggressively against my boss and co-workers.
The positive supra-rational tendencies that I need to build on are my vision of my long-standing ideals of independence, respect, cooperation and my new ideals of creativity, courage and prudence.
I need to work on developing the positive rational tendencies of order and control. I need to change my unreasonable self-talk and unreasonable expectation that others must change first. I need to discover new practical ideas that will translate my ideals into actions.
In this step I want to focus my attention on my vision of my ideals in Circle Three to discover what they mean to me. I want to come up with practical concepts derived from my ideals that I will apply in Circle Two to change my situation in Circle One.
At this point I clearly see that I need to change my unproductive ways of thinking, my self-defeating behaviors and the negative emotions contributing to the physical and emotional stress that I feel.
I want to use a strategy (a plan of action) and techniques (particular actions such as, meditation) to get in touch with my supra-rational tendencies of vision, freedom, change, and creativity. Then, I want to use my rational tendencies to reorder my thinking, behaviors and emotions and to gain control over my work situation.
My strategy will be:
-
To induce a state of relaxation by using techniques that will help me engage my powers of memory and imagination to energize my tendencies of vision and freedom.
-
To do creative thinking by using imagination and analogies to come up with practical concepts that will translate ideals into actions.
Exercises to induce a state of relaxation: (I will do one or more of the following.)
-
I will choose a pleasant place such as, a favorite room, garden, park, church, beach, mountains, lake, etc. where I can physically relax and imagine myself connected to something ‘more’ such as, nature, the Divine, Life, etc.
-
I will sit in a comfortable position , breath in and out slowly as I see myself connected to a “more”.
-
I will remember a time when I felt most like myself. I will recall what I was thinking, feeling and doing at that time.
Exercises to discover practical ideas to translate my ideals into actions:
1. Using imagination
-
I will imagine myself at work being most like myself by behaving independently, respectfully, cooperatively, courageously, and prudently. (As I imagine myself living out my ideals what am I saying to myself? “I have to find ways to interact positively with my boss and co-workers. I need to take prudent risks to change the atmosphere of the office from one of hostility and distrust into one of cooperation and trust.”)
2. Using analogies to come up with practical ideas to reduce stress
-
To reduce the stress on a beam holding up my roof that is bending beneath the weight of a heavy winter snow, I need to reduce the strain on the roof by removing the snow. (What practical ideas can I come up with to reduce my emotional stress response to the strains that I am experiencing at the office? Like removing the snow to reduce the stress on the beam, I need to remove my negative self-talk, complaining and over-generalizing about the behaviors of others.)
-
To reduce the stress on a beam holding up my roof that is bending beneath a heavy snow I can add more beams for reinforcement. (Like adding beams to strengthen the roof I can search out and add co-workers to cooperate in changing the atmosphere at work. By doing this I will realize my ideal of mutual respect and trust.)
-
When the opposing basketball team is putting a full court press or strain on my offense, my players will feel a lot of pressure (stress) and can make mistakes, or they can see the full court press as an opportunity to score quickly. (Like the team that sees an opportunity to score quickly against the full court press, I will see the situation at the office as an opportunity to think courageously and creatively.)
3. Brainstorming uncritically to come up with many ideas that may be useful to realize my ideals
-
I will reach out to communicate daily with my colleagues at work to reinforce positive thinking.
-
I will practice meditation each morning for a few minutes. I will remember the times that I felt most like myself. I will visualize myself acting most like myself at work.
-
I will check the internet and bookstores to find out more about the cognitive (thinking) approach to reduce stress.
-
I will change my negative self-talk by adopting the belief of the ancient philosopher, Epictetus, who said that it’s not events that disturb us but the attitude that we take toward those events.
-
I will explore ways to function more efficiently to reduce the stress related to time limits.
(What can I discover on my own to work more efficiently? Eg. Better time management
What can I discover by communicating with colleagues to work more efficiently?
What can I do to develop a team atmosphere in the office?)
-
I will prudently suggest to my boss a team approach to achieve our goals. I will research the team approach and prepare a pitch that might sell him on the idea.
In this step we want to set up a plan of action that will selectively use the practical concepts discovered in the preceding step. We want choose those concepts that will work for us immediately.
I will do the following on a daily basis for five minutes as soon as I arrive at my office.
- I will visualize myself when I felt most like myself.
- I will focus my attention on one ideal each day. I will ask myself what the ideal will mean to me today at work. Eg. Prudence is my ideal. What behaviors and thinking related to my boss and colleagues does the ideal of prudence required of me today?
Use my calendar to remind me: Tuesday’s ideal – independence; Wednesday’s ideal – creativity;
Thursday’s ideal – respect; Friday’s ideal – courage.
3. My immediate short term goal is to reach out to my colleagues by greeting them with words of encouragement.
After practicing my plan for two weeks I will assess my behaviors, emotions and thinking.
Please answer with Yes / No
-
Am I feeling less frustrated? ___ ___
-
Am I feeling more hopeful? ___ ___
-
Am I complaining less? ___ ___
-
Am I using more positive self-talk? ___ ___
-
Do I feel a greater sense of control at work? ___ ___
-
Do I feel a greater sense of trust toward my colleagues? ___ ___
-
Am I withdrawing less by not avoiding colleagues and the boss? ___ ___
-
Overall have I reduced my emotional and physical stress response? ___ ___
For the future: What plan of action will I put in place to lay the ground-work for building a team approach with the people that I work with? What practical concepts in Step Three will suit this plan best?
Note: The above illustrates the importance of drawing on our mental power of staying in touch with the intuition of our ideals and of reflecting on our situation in the light of those ideals to come up with practical concepts. When we are engaged in the process of making what we see, we will experience feelings of power, control and hope that displace the feelings of stress.