The issue of Discipline (for Parents)

Circle One – What am I saying to myself about my twelve year old son whose grades are falling?

“He doesn’t get it. He’s not doing his homework. He’s distracted. Always playing games on the computer. The teachers tell me that he daydreams. I ground him and take away his privileges. Even that doesn’t work. He doesn’t seem to have any ambition. He’s driving me up the wall. I get so damn frustrated with him. I want to see him do well. If he stays on this track, what will happen to him in high school?”

Circle Two – How am I responding to this problem?

I’m taking away his privileges.
I’m making my complaints to him. I am complaining to my wife about him.
I’m distancing myself from him, so that I don’t blow up.

Circle Three – How the situation could be? What are the ideals that I am not realizing?

I want to be a father that communicates, motivates and cooperates with my son.

Circle Four – What irrational, rational and more-than-rational tendencies am I experiencing in this situation?

I’m confused about what to do with him.(irrational)
I want to get control and put order into this situation before it gets out of hand. (rational)
I see my ideals and what’s important here.(more-than-rational)
Maybe I’m depending on the school to turn him around. (irrational)

What are the emotions, behaviors, expectations, and ways of thinking in each circle that I want to change or strengthen?

Circle One: Change frustration to hope and trust.

Circle Two: Change complaining to listening. Change distancing to involving.

Circle Three: Concentrate more on the ideals of communication, cooperation and motivation to find out what they mean in relation to my son.

Circle Four: I need to focus on my ideals to formulate a plan. I need to free up my thinking to explore new ideas. I need to change my approach with him from the outside-in to the inside-out. I need to reach him at the inside. I need to get control of my own frustration. I have to stop depending on the school.

What new practical ways (ideas) will be concrete, behavioral translations of communication, cooperation and motivation?

Remembering: I will think of a time when I vividly experienced each of the above ideals. (I remember a time when my wife and I shared our thoughts and feelings about the future of our son.) In that experience what was I feeling, thinking and doing? (I felt free, enthusiastic, hopeful. I was imagining the future. We were walking in the park.)

Do the same exercise for cooperation and motivation.

Imagining: Visualize what it would be like in a concrete situation with my son to live out my ideals of cooperation, communication and motivation.(I will hold on to these positive feelings and ways of thinking and behaving as I search for new ways to approach my son.)

Brainstorming: This situation with my son is like ……… (The more analogies the better. Don’t be blocked by trying to find the right answer. Pick the one that seems to fit the best.) This situation with my son is like …..controlling a sailboat on a very windy day. I want to go one way, and the wind and the boat are pushing me in another way.

How do I get control of the boat?

Things that I don’t do:give up, complain, distance myself from the boat.

Things I will do: be patient, assess the strength and direction of the wind, cooperate with the wind and the boat, get control of the direction slowly after going with the wind, remain confident and calm, keep my eye on my destination.

How can I make these new ideas work for me and my son?

Communication:

• I will focus on listening to my son about his concerns.
• I’ll be patient. Don’t interrupt or preach.
• I’ll reflect his thoughts and feelings to show that I understand him.

Cooperation:

• I will let him plan something that we can do together (Get into his wind.).

Motivation:

• I will motivate by example. Stay steady. I will find out and reinforce what is important to him.

Make a plan to put the above ideas into operation.

• I need to choose a time when we can plan to do something together. He will be the leader.

What were the results of the plan?

• Were the results in some way the concrete translation of my ideals?
• What do I need to change?
• What do I need to reinforce?
• What do I need to learn through reading and/or consultation?